Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

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what does it need?

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Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by ××Eris×× on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:20 pm

k so i have written this poem because i felt like it and He is amazing and deserves it. but i dont know what it is mizzing.. help!! if you vote, please comment below ane explain your reason with that vote. Smile

oh i've been daydreamin'.....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout his lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'....

oh he is all i need.
oh he is all i want.
oh he is everythin'....
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by LoveOnHerArms on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:22 pm

its really good but it needs somthing i gust dont know what
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by ××Eris×× on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:23 pm

ys i feel the same way.. i dont know what it needs and it is just irking me
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Guest on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:23 pm

I think its good, sounds almost like a song. I say you should keep righting more, if you want.....*sniff* a cat is attacking my foot....awkward

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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by LoveOnHerArms on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:25 pm

yea it does sound like a song hmmmmmmmmmm i got nothin
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Guest on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:29 pm

yea lol

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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by ××Eris×× on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:33 pm

how about changing it to this:

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout your lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh baby i've been thinkin,
i've been thinkin'
'bout you
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by LoveOnHerArms on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:35 pm

wow thats great! it sound more like a song haha i gust tryed singing it and it was good xD
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Guest on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:37 pm

Yea it is really good!

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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by ××Eris×× on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:39 pm

ok but here is another edit.

oh i've been daydreamin'.....
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout your lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh you are all i need.
oh you are all i want.
oh you are everything....

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh baby i've been thinkin,
i've been thinkin'
'bout you

so should this be the finished product?
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by LoveOnHerArms on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:41 pm

oooooooooo i love it! = )
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Guest on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:43 pm

Really good!! afro

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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by ××Eris×× on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:48 pm

k so i put that one on deviantart. i like it better now lol
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by LoveOnHerArms on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:49 pm

cool! Very Happy
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Guest on Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:51 pm

awesome!!! Very Happy Smile

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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

Post by Saviour on Fri Aug 07, 2009 5:34 pm

love it!! you should make it into a song.. oh ive been daydreamin... lol I love it your good!!!
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Re: Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

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